Satire: Pool tables need replacing

Tyler Palicia tackles the campus pool table conditions in his latest satire column

Tyler Palicia

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Washington and Lee needs to replace the subpar pool tables found in buildings across campus. Included is a list of the top 15 complaints logged by the community.

1. “The tables are torn up, tilted and smell like spoiled egg whites.” – A Public Safety Officer

2. “I saw a young man get caught up in some loose felt the other day—the horror!” – A first-year

3. “Why doesn’t someone level the tables? All the balls roll into the same corner. You guys could purchase new tables by now, considering the cost of all the napkins that people have had to slip under the legs to get them leveled. I’m never coming back!” – A visiting guest speaker

4. “Clean up the surface of these tables. It’s unsanitary. There are children in this community!” – A concerned townie

5. “Stop stuffing the pockets with food from Co-op! It isn’t funny at all!” – A rightfully outraged custodian

6. “This school is building a new gym that is about the size of the Pentagon, but how about throwing down cash for proper billiards equipment? Some of us chronic asthmatics would at least like to pretend to be athletic.” – A chronic asthmatic

7. “There are rodents in the pockets. That’s a problem.” – State Health Inspector

8. “The poor table quality prevents us from being able to form a proper pool club. People are beginning to redirect their competitive urges to less respectable outlets. For example, lately I’ve seen an increasing number of students running around with frisbees and hacky sacks like a bunch of delinquent hipsters from the early 2000’s.” – A guy who always studies in the Gaines laundry room

9. “There isn’t any chalk left. The art students took it all because they stopped wanting to pay for pastels.”        – An art professor

10. “The faculty doesn’t seem to respect the equipment. The other day I saw a professor using a garden hose to fill one of the tables with water in order to bathe a newborn. Man, I’m not even sure that the baby was his!” – A very tired and potentially delusional senior

11. “Some of the balls are broken. How do you break a pool ball?” – A perplexed staff member

12. “I saw a man die because of those pool tables.” – Local skunk trainer

13. “I walked away from my tour of Washington and Lee after I saw those pool tables.” – A University of Virginia first-year

14. “I don’t play pool, but I like to take pictures of myself pretending to play pool for Instagram. And these crummy tables just don’t fit my aesthetic.” – My buddy’s girlfriend

15. “Tyler, I don’t want to hear any more about the pool tables. Seriously, get over it.” – My mother during Parents Weekend

We’ve heard from the students, faculty members and concerned citizens, and I think the message is clear: what a mess. Personally, I’ve been negatively affected by the poor quality of the pool tables. When I return to my hometown for Thanksgiving and visit my favorite sports bar, the locals are going to challenge me to a game of cutthroat, and I’ll probably lose because of my rusty skills. Something has to change.

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